I moved through the world like a shade of a plain sight. To ordinary eyes, I was the perfect colleague. I’m sharp, composed, and attentive, I’m always ready with a well-timed nod or a smooth smile. But behind those practiced gestures was a mind detached, calculating, and empty.
Emotions or feelings, those kaleidoscopic human experiences, had always been foreign to me. Joy, grief, empathy, were not what I felt but I observed, cataloged, and replicated them with the precision of an actor studying their lines. The subtle arch of an eyebrow, the tremor in a voice when laughter turned to tears, I watched and learned, rehearsing each motion until it fit like a second skin.
Relationships, however for me, were the true form of art. I never build them on the fragile fabric of genuine connection but on the strong, cold foundations of strategy. To maintain them, I employed a meticulous mental checklist: making eye contact, nodding appropriately, inserting reassuring words like ‘I understand,’ mimicking the touch of warmth. Friends and partners, unaware of my orchestrated performance, always marvel at my composed charm.
But the cracks in my facade are inevitable. There are moments of sheer boredom, when the small talk turned stale or the emotional outbursts of others became more tedious than intriguing for me, ended up straining my perfect mimicry. Inside the world was a grey landscape, a place where the concepts of love, remorse, and guilt were as intangible as smoke to me. Morality was also an intellectual exercise, not a code. If consequences aligned with my self-interest, actions followed.
Yet, there were moments — fleeting, curious moments, when I would stare in the mirror, my eyes unblinking, searching for a glimpse of something more. And my reflection would stare back, with a face unreadable and cold. Was that the closest to ‘normal’ I could ever be?
As I navigate through the society, the weight of the act is heavy but familiar. Blending in for me was survival; normalcy, an illusion worth perfecting. And as long as the world believed my mask, I would continue with the performance.
